Integrity

I almost called you tonite to tell you how I felt to share some of my thoughts since we met...
I wanted to say what you aren't man enough to say "I'm not interested you anymore"...how simple is that? Why is it that sometimes people lead you on to get what they want and we do it in business everyday but when it comes to a relationship it's a bitter pill to swallow when on the receiving end of things...
Night after night day after day I contemplate what would I do if you did call....reality purports its arrogant demeanor to alert me that it ain't happening...and once again I'm left with a disdain embodiment of grief and desolate rejection...
I don't wish death upon you since I know that it is morally inept but a part of me does want you to rot in hell...

Perception

As I've been interviewing and talking to others free time has given me more opportunity to mull things over and over and over again...

I read a friends blog on performance appraisals the other day and it triggered memories of ominous past yearly discussions which seem to always bring up the infamous word of perception.

I've learned that perception is the way we receive and interpret the information we are presented with. Understanding of our surroundings is perceived by our sense organs. Light and radiation stimulate our eyes; sound waves and air vibrations stimulate our ears; tastes stimulate our tongues; and smells stimulate our noses. Our skin is also a sense organ, perceiving pressure, pain, and temperature.

I question at times just as I'm sure others have how am I perceived as a man, as a black man, as friend, as a employee, as potential mate, etc etc etc etc....

In the corporate world I define myself as reserved, calm and rationale....efficient, organized and detail oriented...on the flip others view me as quiet and unapproachable. Mind you I've always maintained quality, time and cost on all of my projects and been noted as an effective team leader one that can motivate and boost morale of my direct reports. It's the warm fuzzy that the executives want when all along I see the cut-throats moving up the food chain.

As a friend, I wonder on this one more than I probably should... I think it goes back to the despair post from earlier. I think sometimes that my friends see me as a burden, am I a good friend or someone that is just tolerated from time to time.

All in all our mind will see what we want it to see. We all see the same thing but perceive it differently. In the end we must all work with the understanding that perceptions are as important as reality.

There are two quotes that I hold dear:

"Character is who you are when no one but God is watching" - Unknown
"The minor cadences of despair change often to triumph and calm confidence" ---WEB DuBois

......and I'm reminded of Miss Celie at this moment too ---I'm poor, I'm black, I may even be ugly, but dear God I'm here, I'm here!

A Tisket, A Tasket....

A few weeks ago I quit my job and the past 2 weeks have been rather ho-hum. I was looking forward to a life of leisure but is hasn't been all I imagined. I figured I'd goto the gym, complete household to-do-lists, make a few day trips...but needless to say I became complacent. I took my dog to the dog park a few days and tried connecting with a few friends - but really who wants to talk to someone that isn't working when they are - mainly I have lounged around and become a couch potato without the weight gain. Okay, let me save a bit of face here - I did complete a few task but not as many as I had hoped.

I don't think in my adult life that I felt so ho-hum before and not knowing what to do....I have been on a couple of face-to-face interviews and several phone interviews that have led to the face-to-face interviews. As I go through this process a part of me wants to have more time to access the companies I'm pursuing to foster my career path. I anticipate a few offers this week and have interview lined up over the next two weeks and other companies that I'm interested in as well that I have not approached. Now is clearly not the time to starting singing "Time, it's on my side". I know where I want to be career wise I just need to make the right choice in the company I accept to work with or will this be another stepping stone?

I've lived in 4 different states - all my choices on the moves have weighed heavily on work with little to no emphasis on a social life. Acquaintances have said I haven't lived in an area long enough to develop relationships - to some extent I would agree but I would also have to say that I moved to cities that are a bit deplete of black folk. Sometimes I think I should venture over to the Vanilla Fields and partake in some homemade vanilla - nahhhh if I did that it would have to be French Vanilla (gotta have a lil flavor!)

Well now I'm thinking more on relocating with greater emphasis on a social life. I have potential opportunity in Ft. Worth, Philly, Cali (LA and Bay Area) or Chitown. -Fort Party Worth would be good for family and a better social setting; Philly ahh the city of Brotherly Love, need I say more or as Jackie would say" Cuz What? Thank you...and say no more! LOL Philly would be cool since it's close to major cities - DC, NYC, B-more; Cali - California Dreaming - would be good I have a friend there and the area is nice but costly!

A tisket, a tasket - a childhood jingle that provides credence to how a careless decision can get your ass into hot water in the blink of an eye--------

Sex Appeal

A motherless child

There are days that I feel so all alone. Today was yet another one of those days. I don't know what to say other than I'm tired of this feeling....why must it invade my soul?