Let's Get Physical - with a cause

So this is the year that I intend to tone up the body and hopefully gain some muscle mass too.   I've been doing the yoga thing and have slowly started working on weights again.  Over the weekend I bought a bike - no not the kind that takes gasoline but the kind that requires some leg movement.  Next weekend I'm suppose to start training for the Hill Country Ride for AIDS - the actual ride is in late April.  I rode my new bike in the neighborhood and I felt like a kid; even though there was a slight tinge of burning sensation in my thigh I kept on going.  I think I'm going to incorporate a morning spin class into my work week so I can build up some more endurance - oh vey a 5:30am class what in Green Acres am I thinking?

Rescue me

There are so many things I need to be rescued from...including myself.  Yes I can be my worse enemy especially when I am down and in a don't give a type of mood.  I laid in bed thinking what my life would be like if I had been born this way.  Then I snapped somewhat outta it and just realized that hey you can either wallow or change or be content.  Far too long have i been content but I need to figure out some way on how to change.  I am so tired of being alone.  I thought about adoption, foster care and surrogacy once again - but I know that would not be the wise choice.  I need to take back my financial life again I have mucked it over this past year.  Times like these I'm remind of the "Who does depression hurt?" commercial.

Day of Rememberance

January 18th, 2010 commemorates 
Martin Luther King Day.  

We have heard several times his most prominent speeches and quotes.  Words become unspeakable when trying to capitalize who he was what he meant and what he did.   I read a few quotes of his this morning as I started my day and these are the ones that touched me I meditated a bit on the in bold....


“Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or the darkness of destructive selfishness. This is the judgment. Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, What are you doing for others? “


“Never forget that God is able to lift you from fatigue of despair to the buoyancy of hope, and transform dark and desolate valleys into sunlit paths of inner peace.”


“And whenever men and women straighten their backs up, they are going somewehere because a man can’t ride your back unless it is bent.”





A picture is worth a thousand words....

Say it ain't so...

Fool me once shame on you....fool me twice shame on me - isn't that how the saying goes. I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt here but I just feel like it's another lame azz excuse....

November - let's meet for lunch - kool. Well lunch didn't happen; I showed up a few minutes early as planned texted to say hey where are you? Reply comes through saying swamped @ work won't be available until later (paraphrased) I text back as ol' Mr. Understanding, no prob raincheck.

December - dinner this week? - ok Text comes in with can't meet working late tonite. I reply again as ol Mr. Understanding - it happens we can try another day.

January - Mr. Understanding - when are you free again, in the spirit of auld lang syne - 2010 start off new right? Dinner on BCS night kool no prob. Me being like the Sankofa Bird...I text 30 minutes ahead of time to see if we are still on - no response, 15 til I call - no answer; get to the place call again - no answer; 15 after I text to stay I'm going home. 2hrs later a text comes in - had ringer off at hospital with a friend.

Hmmm ...well when my ringer is off it's usually on vibrate. Given emotional distress I think I'd at least remember to take 5 minutes to call or text someone to say hey I need to cancel will fill you in later...or something.

Is it really so hard to say goodbye.......

Actually yea it sho'nuf can! Why? IDK but I am glad that 2009 is over it wasn't my best it wasn't the worse either but I think sometimes we tend to focus on the negative. Can't see the forest for the trees....thank God for the trees they overshadowed my forest made it a little more bearable.

February is my birth month but it was also the month that I was robbed. I wrote about it expressed alot of my emotions....but because I have this lil hide and hoard problem I can't find it to post...oh and I'm a procrastinator too. If I ever find it I will blog it...

Now that I look back on it I have been robbed 2.5 times, I know how in the world can you be robbed .5 times? Well while in college, I let my friend borrow my truck and her purse got stolen after culprit broke into my truck. I was in college still the other time visiting family and my clothes were stolen. The most recent was noted above. So the .5 time was more of a break in broken window as I don't recall my radio being stolen.

I'm looking forward to this new year. I've already started something new - yoga. I went to a class on Jan 3rd. I was surprised I felt relaxed at the end and it wasn't your ordinary yoga class so I really stepped outside of my box. Yesterday, I felt my abs tinge so I'm looking forward to another class to tone up and become more flexible. I also have other fitness goals this year - hot fun in the summertime.....

Soo goodbye 2009, hello 2010.

Stranded the day after....

Imagine, if you will a good time spent with the family over the holiday.....fond memories, laughter, good food and fun had by all....goodbyes are shared and it's time to hit that road once again.

Car is bumping with the tunes vicarious thoughts are being made intermittently along the way.

A blanket of stars has been pulled across the crisp sky and all of a sudden you hear the grinding sounds and your car starts to convulse. Slowly you begin to brake and make your way to safety on the shoulder of the road. Mind you you're only what 35-40miles away from your destination.

You then get out to inspect the damage knowing all to well that familiar moment that your tire is ripped beyond repair - blowout!

Hello Triple A....yes send someone ASAP....7pm and you're told someone will be out by 745pm
745p rolls around and the battery dies, oh yes it gets better cell battery has one bar left. What to do what to do......kill the engine make one more call to Triple A - plead your case once again you're in the middle of no where with no battery no flashlight no street lights no mile markers....just you, an old pocket knife and your uber domesticated dog. All you can see is a radio tower, a bridge up ahead, a highway sign that says Scenic Overlook and you can't rightly recall what was the last city you just went through or the highways signs that you passed before the blowout occurred.

8p automated message says tow guy will be there in an hour; dispatch guy calls you go over yet again your limited knowledge of your surroundings; dispatch guy assures you they will find you confidence restored; dispatch guy even thinks he's knows of your location from description given. States he will call when tow guy is close to area so you can turn flashers back on.

9pm - no call yet. You then decided to get out and walk hoping to that what appears to be a hwy sign ahead may be something to tell the dispatch guy your location. Just prior to this tow guy calls and states that he has passed you up and has to turnaround.

10pm - you make the walk and who is out also on the side of the road but 2 cows grazing idly of course it's been some time since you've been in the country so you debate whether you should continue to walk to the highway sign or go back to the car. Why? oh you can't determine if the cow will get spooked and decide to run after you or if they will just go on their merry grazing way away from you. You slowly turn around and low and behold the sheriff has arrived NOT for you pray tell but for the cows! Someone called in about the cows but not about you!!

1030pm - Sheriff comes back to check on you...jumpstarts your battery after 3 attempts and changes tire. You think everything is fine huh? WRONG - the donut needs air luckily there is a gas station up ahead. You make it to the gas station but to your dismay the air pump hose is cracked. You start your journey to the next station and are thankful that this air pump is in tact and you start your 55mph journey home finally arriving at 1130pm.

Oh what a night....one that assuredly you will not forget.......

Why does it hurt so bad...

Another day of feeling blah, I'm not sure why I can't seem to sleep regularly. I have been feeling more lethargic, sleeping during the day for long periods of time and then waking up in the middle of the night unable to get back to sleep. I feel sick to my stomach with headaches....any why is it so cold.

Isolation...fear...despair...grief...regret...neglect

If I lay here maybe the throbbing will cease maybe the burning sensation in my eyes will surpass too. All I can do is try.